badd status Funny Status Messages

   I'm 31 years old and never married. How come it seems like every married person I know wishes their marriage license has an expiration date?

   A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress

   Someday we'll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.

   Why ask me if I'm up when you text me at 3 in the morning and I answer it?

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.

   It's impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   I know it's my kind of bar when the bathroom door has a sign that says: "No couples. One at a time."

   I really hope that my last words in this world are: "I wonder what this does..."

   Facebook has been down for 2 hours. The apocalypse has begun.

   I'm so happy Facebook wasn't around when I was in high school.

   I'm watching this show on stalkers, still haven't seen any of you yet.

   I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I'll say next.

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy?