RandomGirlie Funny Status Messages

   Dear Today, thank you for trying. I'm glad you're almost over. Love, X

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   If we really knew exactly what we were getting into when we decided to have kids, I'm pretty sure we'd be screwed as a species.

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kid pointed to his crotch all day and said "woody!"

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   Dear Obama: a little diaper logic for you. If it stinks, change it....but you aren't supposed to replace it with another sh*tty one!!!

   The perfect work excuse: "Hello? Boss? Yes, I'm sorry, I will not be coming to work today. I'm having vision problems. I can't see myself coming to work today!"

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   Before that van starts a'rockin, make sure that c*ck's got a stockin'!

   life is all about ass. Your'e either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!