Gman Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:38 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:40 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:41 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:43 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:45 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:49 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 09:55 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:20 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:30 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:32 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon If her ass had a red "you are here" dot on it, I'd never get lost in thought.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:35 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:41 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon She told me she'd sleep with me when pigs fly, so you can imagine how happy I am to see that police helicopter over my house right now.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 12:44 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Netherlands have 800 miles of massive dikes? That's one hell of a parade.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:34 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:35 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Oprah's Secret” sounds like a new line of plus-sized lingerie.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:36 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:37 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon The early worm gets the bird. ┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐
←Rate | 04-12-2011 20:38 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.
←Rate | 04-13-2011 14:13 by Gman Comments (0)  


   messageicon Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
←Rate | 04-14-2011 10:17 by Gman Comments (0)  


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