@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   The Royal baby has been named 'George'...Zippy and Bungle are mortified!

   yes, I have made mistakes, but last time I checked, life didn't come with instructions!

   Give me a gun and I can rob a bank. Give me a bank and I can rob the world

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   You know when you have a good mum when they let you lick the sticks to the mixer but you know you have a great mum when she turns the mixer off before you lick!!!!!

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..