@demiroquai Funny Status Messages

   Nothing says Happy Father's Day like waking up next to a stripper and wondering if she actually has a father to celebrate the day.

   My wife says "Its uncomfortable going to the new OB. My legs are wide open 3 min after we meet." I said, So do 99% of the girls on Craigslist.

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.

   The end of every episode of "Man vs. Food" turns into "Man vs. Toilet."

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   Looks like Steve Jobs is on his iCloud.

   Seriously! How do they train the animals look so sad in those ASPCA commercials? They are convincing.

   You can't tell me Occupy Wall Street and the McRib's return are a coincidence.

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.

   If men are from Mars, that would explain why we try to probe everything.

   If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”

   Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don't have to go to any more family functions.

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   Being Hugh Hefner's ex is as prestigious as being tall enough to get on a carnival ride.