Susan Funny Status Messages

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.

   When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   I want to be the reason you pee in six different directions every morning.

   I'd take you on a magic carpet ride, except that I shaved the carpet.

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   Everything this man said to me was a lie. Every.. Thing. Except the part about how pretty I was, that was true.

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.

   I call my bedroom 'the place where the magic happens' because it's where I make my self-respect disappear.

   So apparently washing machine riding should be done in the privacy of your own home. Oops!

   I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!