AZ Funny Status Messages

   Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.

   Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.

   According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   This McDonalds sandwich is delicious, and my heart will be thanking me in the future, when it gets to quit working early.

   You'd think when a movie lists the cast "In Order of Appearance", they'd go from best-looking to ugliest but no...

   Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar

   I never trust the emotional stability of women who wear Mickey Mouse shirts.

   I'm not an economist, but I think I could make a lot of money selling drugs.

   all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese

   Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.

   My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   As a fan of hard sci-fi, I did not enjoy "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken

   "No" - Old Irish Proverb

   Every so often I'll listen to my mom talk non stop for like 5yrs at a time to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "