@cdowney84 Funny Status Messages

   my doctor: "do you have any pains after sexual intercourse?'' me: "well, they usually don't call back afterwards, and that kinda hurts."

   Who needs dance lessons when you've got alcohol?!

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

   The best part about the daylight savings tonight is that I get to hear last call called twice.

   I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.

   ‎"I'm here for you if you need anything" a.k.a. "I wanna be the next guy you bang"

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"

   Biggest turn on: When a girl picks the iron as her Monopoly piece.

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   I DIDN'T SAY THAT YOUR GIRL WAS A $LUT! I MERELY INDICATED THAT HER "PRIVATE PARTS" WERE MORE LIKE "PUBLIC PARTS"

   I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"

   So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding, right?

   I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.

   I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.